Carol McLeod was raised in a Christian home at the knee of a general of the faith. She loved Jesus all through her childhood years. Carol and her husband had always wanted a large family, so even though they already have two little boys, they wanted more.
However, this time round, she got pregnant and lost the baby at 12 weeks. It's not uncommon for a woman to lose her baby during the first trimester. So Carol lost hers right on the line so to speak.
She got pregnant again and lost this baby at the 15th week. This was like cold water on her face.
Then she got pregnant again, only to lose the third baby on the 16th week. At 16 weeks, Carol had already felt the little life in her. That night, when Carol was going home from the hospital after the third miscarriage, she said to her husband, "God has my attention now. I want to learn what I need to be taught."
Carol's theology is that God did not cause the miscarriages, but He had allowed them. He allowed them to make her a stronger Christian.
Before all the miscarriages, Carol can be what one would call as a "spoilt Christian". She felt like she could order God around. But it was during these hard times that she learnt who God was in a new way.
One of the elders' wife at church said to Carol, "Now you know it's not God's will for you to have any more children."
While she put up a gracious and brave front, she thought to herself, "I don't know that and neither do you! Only God knows." Something rose up within her to fight.
So Carol and her husband went to the fertility clinic and got pregnant again.
This time, she lost her 4th baby at 19.5 weeks.
The delivery room in the hospital, filled with interns, nurses and doctors, was silent. The nurses were crying because they knew Carol's story.
At this moment, Carol's husband began to sing over her…
"I love You Lord, and I lift my voice…"
Carol joined in. Together, they lifted their hands and worshipped the Lord at the worst moment of their lives.
Carol got pregnant again, and lost her 5th baby at 16 weeks. This is when the bubble burst.
Every day, Carol was surrounded by the black pit called "Depression".
Every day when she get up, it would hit her again: I'd lost my babies.
During these black days, Carol developed an addiction. It wasn't an addiction to drugs, shopping or eating. The addiction she had developed was to the Word of God.
She was desperate. She would have the bible when she was playing Lego with her little boys. She would have the bible opened when she was doing the dishes.
She was desperate for the Word of God.
Carol was a shell of a woman. She had no emotions other than depression at that time.
Yet, a miracle happened. When she allowed herself to develop an addiction to the Word of God, she began to feel better. She began to be able to sing, to enjoy her children and talk to her husband.
The world stopped revolving around her and the Lord gave her purpose beyond her pain. This is exactly what Carol had always believed in her life - don't waste your pain.
It was during those hard days that she became a defiantly joyful Christian. She discovered that while her depression was circumstantial, her joy was not circumstantial. Instead of being driven by circumstances, Carol has learnt to be driven by His presence.
Joy is found in one place, and one place alone - in God's Presence.
"In Your presence is fullness of joy…" - Ps 16:11
If you are going through the dark pit of depression right now, here's 2 tips that Carol had personally tried and tested to be true:
you feel like doing and what you should do are 2 different things altogether.
Do not make decisions on how you feel and how you don't feel. Make decisions based on Truth. If Hanker down on the place of Truth, knowing that the Word of God is powerful.
the bible for Transformation, not Information.
So read the bible when you mind don't understand it. Read it when your heart is roaring in pain. Let the Word of God do a miracle in you.